Sunday, December 4, 2011

December 4th

overheard in various places around North America...

Why Are You Buying a Chocolate Jesus?

Cashier: Merry Christmas.
Customer: You, too.
Cashier: Wait! I gotta be politically correct -- Happy Holidays.
Customer: Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Cashier: Oh my god, me too!
Customer: Then why the fuck are we wishing each other a Merry Christmas?
Cashier: I have no fucking clue.

It's Branding – What Are Ya Gonna Do?

Hipster #1 walking past large inflatable snowman: Dude, I fucking hate Christmas. It's like, nothing but a giant celebration of modern consumer capitalism.

Hipster #2 gesturing to wreath on church door: Totally. Look, even the churches are advertising Christmas these days.
~Wegmans, Manalapan, New Jersey

Girl #1: Every time I watch Rudolph, it gives me stress.

Girl #2: That show is horrible!

Girl #1: See, those little reindeer, they didn't know any better, but Dancer was a grown-ass reindeer! He knew better than to treat Rudolph like that, tellin' his own kid not to play with Rudolph... That's some straight-up bullshit.

Guy: And why was Rudolph's nose red if both of his parents' noses were black?

Girl #2: 'Cause his mom was a ho.

Girl #1: Y'know, Dancer was probably his mom's punk-ass baby-daddy. And you know what? Even Santa didn't know how to act. If I was Rudolph, I would tell Santa, 'Oh, hell no!'

Girl #2: Oh, hell no!

Girl #1: 'Santa better get his fat ass up there and guide his own shit, after he be treatin' me like that! Oh, hell no!'

Ordinarily I'd Add My Own Cheer

Barista: Soy latte coming up.

Monotone man: Will you make it with holiday cheer?

Barista: Uh... Okay, sure.

Monotone man: I'm a little tired today.

--Starbucks, 114th & Broadway

Is This Quote Culinary Erotica? Discuss.

Girl #1: I don't know if I want cookie dough, I'd rather make cookies.

Girl #2: Oh, man. It's totally carnal, the things I wanna do to that cookie dough. I want it on my face.

(five minutes later) 
Girl #1: Okay, I want some cookie dough.

Girl #2: I thought you didn't want any!

Girl #1: You gave such a rave review of the cookie dough on your face that I entertained the possibility that I, too, might want it on my face.
–Boston, Massachusetts

and a sheep:

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